


Somewhere Over the Warp Core

by GuardianofFun



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Alternate Universe - Wizard of Oz Fusion, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crossover, Humour, M/M, Minor Character Death, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 16:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10666848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuardianofFun/pseuds/GuardianofFun
Summary: Archer's crash landed somewhere, but it certainly isn't Kansas.(The Enterprise/Wizard of Oz crossover that nobody wanted or needed)





	Somewhere Over the Warp Core

**Author's Note:**

> Like Stephane Meyer, this came to me in a dream. I'm so sorry?
> 
> WARNING: for brief mentions of blood and one death! and lots of excessive and dumb leaning on the fourth wall
> 
> also this is utter shit i apologise

Jonathan Archer stumbled from the wrecked shuttlepod coughing and spluttering. He was followed shortly by Porthos. The beagle glanced up at him and then found he was much more interested in sniffing at his feet. Wherever they were, it was quiet. Too quiet. He spun on his feet and took in the sight of his favourite shuttlepod, lodged in the ground, and the trail of devastation it left behind. His hopes of avoiding interplanetary disputes were dashed when he spotted a clunky pair of boots, certainly not Starfleet regulation, sticking out from underneath. He sighed as Porthos bounded over to sniff at them.

“Porthos, I’ve a feeling we’re not on the  _ Enterprise  _ anymore,” he said, though he had no idea why, it just felt necessary to the plot that he did. At those words, there was a flash of light, and suddenly there was a woman standing in front of him. Not just any woman though - a Vulcan in painfully pink robes. 

“I am T’Pol the Good Vulcan of the North,” she said, her expression never changing as she picked her way across the debris of the crashed pod. She glanced down at the boots Porthos was investigating, and raised an eyebrow at Archer. 

“It seems you have killed the MACO,” she said simply, bending over exposed limbs. Archer spluttered. 

“A MACO? I killed a MACO?” T’Pol yanked at the boots and in one motion had them off the dead man. 

“Yes, Hayes the Wicked MACO of the East. Do not trouble yourself over this Archer, you have done us all a favour,” she said simply, holding out the shoes. “In return, take these.” Jonathan, stunned, took them. 

“How do you know my name?” he asked, and it was then that he thought he saw a sliver of a smile grace the Vulcan’s lips.

“Try not to question too much, it will only give you a headache.” In reality, it was because you, reader, already know where this story is going, so we won’t waste your time with the cruddy exposition. T’Pol knew this because she was much smarter than Jonathan and so she prompted Jonathan to continue his journey, for the sake of the story.

“If you wish to repair your shuttlepod and return home, you will need to seek counsel with the Wizard.” Archer looked up from where he was crouched, struggling to pull on the MACO’s cumbersome shoes. They clashed awfully with the gingham shirt he was wearing, but he thought it rude to decline such a gift. 

“And where will I find the Wizard?” he asked. T’Pol looked towards the horizon.

“The Dilithium City,” she said. Archer looked blank. 

“And how do I get there?” T’Pol closed her eyes, counted to ten and then opened them. Were all humans this insufferable, or was it just him? She waved a hand towards a path the climbed over a small hill, laid with slabs of a distinctly yellow hue. 

“Just follow the yellow deck plating.”

* * *

So Archer walked, for some time, with Porthos at his side, along the shimmering plates of metal that lined their way through lush green countryside. Every so often, they would pass a field of crops and Archer had to coax Porthos away from exploring with promises of cheese. When they came across a field in which stood a Scarecrow however, no such promise could stop the small dog from bounding towards the birds that pecked at it's feet. At the sound of his bark, the birds flew skywards and Archer was surprised to see the Scarecrow’s head turn to watch them. He was even more surprised when he Scarecrow turned to look at him, and his hand crafted face looked very much like his chief engineer.

“Hey! Mind helpin’ a fella out?” the ScareTrip called, waving a floppy hand towards him. Archer nodded dumbly, reaching to unhook the stuffed man from his post. 

“Damn birds,” he grumbled. “Keep peckin’ at me ’n pokin’ me, I can never catch a break!” His mood though, had been brightened by his freedom and he slapped a gloved hand on Archer’s shoulder, causing a small cascade of paper trimmings to rain over him. 

“Thanks fer gettin’ me down,” he said with a grin. “Where are you headed to? Not many people come by my field nowadays.” Archer pointed further along the decking. 

“I’m off to see the Wizard, he’s going to help me fix my shuttlepod and get home,” he replied. ScareTrip’s stuffed legs wobbled with excitement. 

“The Wizard?! Oh, do ya reckon he could help me out too?” Archer shrugged. 

“That depends, what is it you want for him?” 

ScareTrip tugged at a piece of his stuffing that hung loose, and thrust it under Archer’s nose. He could just about make out the words ‘- _ re the voyages-’. _

“See my stuffin’? It’s all my storylines, ’n lemme tell you they’re terrible! I keep gettin’ hurt or attacked or impregnated, it’s drivin’ me nuts. Do you think the Wizard could give me a happy story for once?” Archer nodded and gave the Scarecrow a grin. 

“I don’t see why not! Would you like to come with me?” ScareTrip nodded, and for a second Archer feared his head might roll right off his head. 

“Course I would, beats hangin’ up here like a punchin’ bag!” 

And so, the party of three made their way further down the yellow deck plating.

* * *

As the man, the Scarecrow and the dog walked, they nattered about this and that. Archer waffled on for at least two hours about water polo, a sport that ScareTrip had never heard of, and in return the Scarecrow shared some of the more laughable storylines that were packed into his burlap.

Pretty soon, they came across a forest that the yellow deck plating cut straight through and so had no choice but to make their way through. 

It was warm in the forest , and the sun came through the leaves and left pretty shadows on the floor. There were a number of tiny creatures that would dart across their path, and Porthos would go chasing after them though he never actually caught anything. Porthos was a good boy like that. 

After they had walked for some time, they came across a number of trees that had been felled. At first they thought little of it, until all of a sudden, Porthos took off through the fallen trees. 

“What’s got into him?” ScareTrip asked. Archer shrugged, he seemed to be doing that a lot recently. 

“Must be the next plot point,” he said as he followed after his beagle, ScareTrip lumbering along behind him. Just as Archer had thought, they found Porthos sniffing at a hunk of metal that was crushed under one of the felled trees. The hunk of metal was not very large, pretty thin and shaped like a tactical officer. Archer reached out a hand to the metal man while ScareTrip gasped.

“Oh no, this metal man’s rusted to the spot!” he cried, arms flailing.

“I’m made of tin,” the man snipped, in a voice that had Malcolm’s accent. “Tin can’t rust,” he added and then pointed to his tin legs. 

“Actually, I’m just stuck under this tree, it’s trapped my legs.” Archer helped TinMal to sit up, and then looked towards ScareTrip. Then, realising a scarecrow would have no chance of hoisting the fallen tree, he cracked his knuckles. 

“Don’t you worry Tinman, we’ll have you out of here in no time,” he said, wrapping his arms around the tree and tugging. Tin Malcolm looked mournful. 

“Don’t bother, just leave me here,” he said, and the ScareTrip patted TinMal’s back clumsily. “Hey, don’t talk like that, we’ll have you out of here in no time! Then you can go back home!” he said, flopping down to sit next to him. TinMal’s face crumpled even more than the Scarecrow thought possible for a metal face, and he sighed. 

“I don’t  _ have  _ a home,” he said a little sadly. Archer would have gasped along with ScareTrip, but he was too busy Hulking out and trying to pull the tree from TinMal’s legs. He stopped when he spotted an axe lying on the ground just behind Malcolm, and took to hacking at the tree instead. ScareTrip turned back to TinMal as Archer began humming a song about lumberjacks.

“What’d’ya mean no home? Don’t ya have a family, friends, a wife? People you love?” TinMal shook his head and rapped against his metal chest.

“No, I’ve got no love - no heart you see. At least, no love for a wife-“ but at that point Archer managed to get the tree off TinMa’s legs and they were too distracted by his crow of delight for anyone to notice TinMal making eyes at ScareTrip. Together, Archer and the scarecrow helped to pull TinMal to his feet and bash out the dents in his metal legs. 

Standing upright once again, the metal man nodded stiffly. 

“Thank you for the help,” he said, offering a hand to Archer. Archer suppressed a shiver as he gripped the cold metal hand tightly. ScareTrip lent forward, and then toppled over, but after climbing back to his feet, he leant on TinMal’s shoulder. 

“Hey! Why don’t’cha come with us?” he asked and Archer nodded in agreement. 

“We’re going to see the wizard,” Archer offered. “He’s going to help me home, and find Trip some happy storylines.” The tin man pondered for a moment, and then gave them a tentative half-smile. 

“Do you think the wizard could give me a decent love interest?” he asked. “One that’s not some throwaway joke or an attempt to reinforce my ‘heterosexuality’?” 

The scarecrow and Archer looked at each other and then nodded. 

“Welcome to the team!”

* * *

Now with one more member, the group once again began strolling along the yellow deck plating. They could see, far off in the distance that it would follow the curve of the land as it became more hilly. The sun was beginning to set as they made their way along, and TinMal looked worried.

“How long will it take us to get to the Wizard? You know all kinds of creatures lurk in Oz at night, and we’ve not got much in the way of weapons,” he said, gesturing to his axe. Archer waved a hang at him, laughing. 

“Oh Tin Malcolm, you worry too much. Nothing’s going to hurt us!” At which point, of course, a blast from a phase pistol narrowly missed Archer’s ear. He yelped, TinMal yelled and ScareTrip, in a panic, launched himself into metal man’s arms.

“Who’s there?” came a voice from behind a tree. Archer’s hands shot up in a sign of peace, and TinMal dropped ScareTrip on his arse. 

“We come in peace!” Archer said. 

“What’re you doin’ shootin’ from the shadows, ya coward?!” Trip cried from the ground. There was some shuffling, and then a woman with cat ears stepped out, hands on the hips of her otherwise regulation Starfleet uniform. 

“I’m not a coward! It’s late, you could have been dangerous,” she reprimanded ScareTrip, waving the phase pistol in her hand at him. Behind him, TinMal nodded in agreement.

“Oh my God, a furry!” Archer cried. The woman, who he realised now looked a lot like Hoshi, glared at him. 

“Actually I’m just Hoshi,” she said, tugging on one of the ears. “But for the sake of the story I had to resemble a Lion somehow.” Archer nodded understandingly. He wanted to ask more, but T’Pol’s warning rung in his head. Instead he asked Hoshi what she was doing. 

“I’m on the hunt,” she replied, a sad smile on her face. “For the chance to be the hero. Or useful, really.” She pulled something out of the pocket and showed it to him. 

“I keep getting ignored because of these damn Universal Translators!” She turned to glare at ScareTrip again, who had wobbled his way to his feet finally.

“And people like  _ you  _ keep thinking I’m a scaredy-cat, so whenever I  _ do  _ get to go anywhere I never get to save the day. I’m useless!” She threw her hand sup in despair and Archer felt sorry for her. Then an idea struck.

“Why don’t you come with us?” he asked and she eyed him curiously. “We’re on an adventure, of sorts, to see the Wizard. I want to go home, ScareTrip wants a good stuffing—“ TinMal choked on air. “— and TinMal just wants some love—“ ScareTrip laughed. “— so you could come with us!” 

Hoshi smiled, nodding. “Do you think the Wizard could give me a job no computer could do? Something only I could do? A chance to save the day?” she asked. Archer grinned. 

“I don’t see why not.” Hoshi beamed, as Archer lead their group onwards once more, along the winding path of yellow decking. 

* * *

Their journey, much to TinMal’s relief, only took them another few hours, and they reached the Dilithium City just as the sun set. Through the towering doors, the last rays of sunlight shone through the purple slabs and throwing beautiful patterns across the last of the yellow deck plating. The group, who up until now had been chatting quite loudly, suddenly fell silent as they came to a stop, the only noise being Porthos as he chased at the light that was glinting off of TinMal’s chest plate. The other four gave each other wary looks, before ScareTrip finally prodded at Archer’s back.

“Well, go on then, knock!” he said. Gulping, Archer raised a hand and knocked - one, two, three. There was silence for a second, before a loud creaking filled the air, and the away team—sorry, the rag-tag group of adventurers — stumbled backwards as the doors swung open. 

Standing in the very centre, hands tucked in his purple robes and looking rather bored, stood a Vulcan man who bore a striking resemblance to Ambassador Soval. When he spoke, he sounded just as bored as he looked. 

“Welcome to the Dilithium City, how can I help you today?” He asked with all the enthusiasm of a tired barista at the end of an eight hour shift. Archer though, replied with as much enthusiasm as he could as he could. 

“Hi! We’re looking for the Wizard! My name is Jonathan Archer and-“ One of Soval’s eyebrows rose, and he seemed slightly less bored. “Archer? T’Pol mentioned you, the Wizard is waiting for you, please, come this way.” 

The mismatched group shuffled their way through the doors and followed Soval through the lilac corridors, TinMal clanking against the smooth crystalline floor. They passed numerous doors, all much smaller than those of the entrance, and then took a left down another hallway. This one ended in another huge door, at which Soval stopped them. Though his face was unreadable, there was something shining in his eyes.

“The Wizard will see you now.”

* * *

The room the group found themselves in was cavernous. From the large, domed ceiling hung a dilithium crystal chandelier, and the floor was a stunning mosaic of various shades of purple. Archer felt bad trudging his way across such a pretty floor in his sort-of stolen boots. He lead the others across the large space to stand beside a throne that sat empty. They all eyed it suspiciously, then just as Archer was about to speak, a voice crackled around the space, as though through the comm. It sounded, he thought, vaguely like Phlox but there was a tinny echo to it that sounded almost mechanical.

“Welcome, travellers? What can I, the Wizard of Phloz, do for you?” the disembodied voice asked. Hoshi sniffed and muttered something about crappy universal translators under her breath. That explained the slightly strange accent Phloz had then.  

“Oh, wonderful Phloz, we come to you asking for help!” He spoke to the empty throne. “I want to return home.” He said, then turned to gesture to the others. ScareTrip stepped forward clumsily. 

“I would really love a happy ending!”

“And I would rather like a serious relationship!”

“I’d like the chance to be important to the plot!”

Porthos, of course, said nothing, but did waddle over to sniff the throne before Archer swept him up in his arms. 

“Will you help us, oh Wizard?” he asked. There was a crackle again, and then the voice answered.

“Yes, I will, but first you must do something for me. There’s an Andorian in the West-“  Archer’s companions all gasped, and he gave them a confused looked. 

“And he’s trouble, so please I need you to, ah - sort him out for me.” Archer’s face only became more confused as his companions looked stricken. Phloz’s voice spoke one more time. “Only then will I help you, Jonathan Archer.” Then with a bang, the door flew open, and the group was herded out by a team of guards. They met back up with Soval who had stood outside waiting. Archer sighed. 

“How do we find the Andorian of the West?” he asked. As he did so, he saw Soval’s lips twitch, before he answered. 

“You’ll find  _ him  _ in a castle on the outskirts of town,” he said, before leading them down the corridor. Archer hurried to keep in step, struggling to hold onto Porthos who was just itching to get down. 

“And how long will it take us to get there?” Soval glanced across at him and the strange look was back in his eyes. 

“Not too long, you should be there by the next paragraph.”

* * *

Indeed, it was only a sentence later that they were approaching what looked like an ice palace. Archer shivered. He was the only one who felt the cold it seemed - neither ScarTrip or TinMal were capable of feeling it, and Hoshi had her uniform on, while he was still wearing his rather thin, chequered shirt.

“Who exactly  _ is  _ the Andorian of the West,” he asked.

“His name is Shran,” TinMal said, and the shudder that ran through him was nothing to do with the cold. “I heard that he built this ice palace with his bare hands.” Archer glanced up at the ice palace that towered over them, as Hoshi chimed in. 

“I heard that he has powers to control ice,” she said. 

Then ScareTrip, whose burlap was starting to absorb water, leant forward, his voice conspiratorial.

“I heard he sings about ice,” he said, and then straightened. “Or maybe I’m confusing him for someone else.”

Before any of the others could debate the point further, they found themselves, for the second time that day, standing outside a huge door, only this one was pale blue, and made entirely of ice. 

“Well, go on then,” ScareTrip said, giving Archer a poke. Archer stared at him.

“Oh yes, just knock on the big ice door and say ‘Hi, nice to meet you, I’m here to kill you!’?” ScarTrip looked thoughtful for a moment then shook his head. “Yeah, maybe not the best way to go about it.” TinMal spoke up next.

“I have a plan! What if one of us goes off and starts a distraction. The others can attack?” Archer looked intrigued. “I will sacrifice myself-” suddenly he was a lot less interested, and the metal man was cut of by ScareTrip’s horrified gasp. 

“Maybe not,” Archer said, and it was then that Hoshi stepped forward.

“Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t recall the Wizard ever asking us to kill him?” The men all murmured in agreement. “So why don't we just… go talk to him?” She asked. They all nodded. 

“Right then,” she said, raising her hand to knock on the door.  In the quiet moments before the door was opened, Archer turned to his three companions (Porthos was tucked safely in his arms once again). 

“So this is Shran, the Andorian of the West, T’Pol is the Vulcan of the North, and I crushed the MACO of the East, then who’s in the south?” he asked. ScareTrip scratched at his chin. 

“Uh.. there’s someone in the South?” he asked. TinMal scoffed.    


“Of course there is!”

“Then who is is it?” the scarecrow bit back. TinMal spluttered. 

“It’s uh… a Xindi?” his voice trailed off into confusion, and ScareTrip laughed. Hoshi sighed, ignoring the two bickering men and patted Archer’s arm. 

“There’s not much known about him, but they call him Mayweather, the… the something of South.”

Just then, the ice doors were flung open, and poor Travis was forgotten once again. the quintet were greeted with the sight of a rather short blue man in a lot of leather, one of his antenna blindingly obvious in it’s absence. 

Archer gasped. Shran was beautiful. Even when he glared at them, and slammed the door in their face when Archer said nothing, he was beautiful. Porthos fell from his arms with an annoyed yap as the man threw himself against the door. 

“Shran! Please don’t shut me out again - please, don’t slam the door!” 

That ridiculous reference out of the way, he then stood back and glanced at the shocked faces of his team. “Sorry, I… forgot myself for a moment there.” TinMal sighed. 

“Why don’t I try?” he asked, and before Archer could stop him, he had rapped a metal hand across the door. Once again, the Andorian flung open the doors, but before he could speak, TinMal lunged at him with his axe. 

Archer screeched, ScareTrip threw himself at the metal man’s back and Hoshi shook her head in despair and quickly shoved pulled Shran out of the path of the axe.  

“Honestly,” she sighed as she gave Shran a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “You lot are terrible.” By now, Archer had composed himself enough to clear his throat and stick out a hand to Shran. 

“A pleasure to meet you, your Andorian-ness,” he said, trying to inject charm into his voice, but mostly sounding as though he had had one too many bourbons. 

The blue man stared at him, and said something in a language he couldn’t understand, though it didn’t matter, because Jonathan loved the way he talked, his voice reminding him an awful lot of this one actor he’d seen in a bunch of old sci-fi films. Hoshi rolled her eyes as Archer bumbled his way through an explanation of why they were there. The Andorian looked over at Hoshi who sighed. 

_ “Sorry about him,”  _ she apologised in Andorian. The blue man looked at her, surprised. 

“ _ You speak Andorian?”  _ he asked and she nodded. 

“ _ Yeah, it feels like these guys,”  _ she jerked a thumb towards trio. “ _ Have already forgotten that. Basically, we’re here under orders of Ploz, the Great and Powerful, to sort you out?”  _ Shran barked out a short laugh. 

_ “You are so precise with your words, unlike your leader.”  _ Hoshi ducked her head, flattered at the compliment she so rarely received. She glanced back at the rest of her party.

Archer was trying to lean against the ice palace in a way that looked cool, but he kept sliding down it, while TinMal was standing looking embarrassed, ScareTrip hanging around his neck and cradled in his arms. 

_ “Sort me out?”  _ Shran asked, interrupting her thoughts. Hoshi nodded, eyes still on the team of idiots behind them. 

_ “We don’t know what it means either,”  _ She crossed her arms and Shran mirrored her. 

“ _ Why don’t you come back with us? We’ll straighten this out,”  _ she said. Watching TinMal’s metal face control in embarrassment while ScareTrip lay sprawled against his hollow chest, the irony of her words was not lost on her. Shran gave a loud laugh and slapped a hand on her back, before agreeing to accompany them on their return journey. 

* * *

The return to the Dilithium City was short, though still full of adventure and intrigue, as they passed many wonderful sights, including the Poppies of Sexy Pollen, which Hoshi dragged them past before TinMal made too many passes at ScareTrip that he would regret later.

Pretty soon they came to the city gates once again, and were met by Soval once more. He regarded Shran with cool indifference, and ushered them back along the corridors until they found themselves in the great hall again. 

The room was just as empty as before, only this time they could hear the great Phloz already speaking, sounding vaguely annoyed as he grumbled. Stepping forward once more, Archer spoke up.

“Oh Phloz, the Great and Powerful, we have brought you Shran,” he said, looking mournfully over at the attractive Andorian. Whatever did Phloz want with him?

Yet Phloz did not answer, only he continued to mutter to himself, sounding oddly far away. The mumbling continued for a few minutes, and as time passed the group got curious, spreading out to search for the great Phloz himself. 

Hoshi strained her ears, listening for a clue, when she caught the word curtain echo through the room. She scanned the room and sure enough, found a curtain tucked behind the chair. Calling her friends to join her, they stood for a second, holding their breath. Then with sharp tug, she pulled the curtain away.

Sure enough, it revealed Phloz, who just as Archer had expected, looked just like Phlox, only dressed far more green and garish than usual. He was sat on the floor surrounded by a messy tangle of wires and buttons, something behind him beginning to smoke. When he spoke, it was not in English, but there was a delayed echo that repeated his words in broken English. 

He glanced up and smiled at the gang.

“ _ Ah you’re back, I thought it was you!”  _ He said, while the echo said something about thinking back. The TinMal looked annoyed and gave the machine a kick. It cracked once and then died. 

_ “My translator has been broken for so long now, I didn’t think you would ever come back.” _

Hoshi offered her hand the wizard and helped him up, a grin on her face.

_ “I thought you sounded a bit unusual,”  _ she replied. Phloz looked shocked. 

“ _ You can speak my language?”  _ He asked, and Hoshi sighed.  _ “Yes, as I keep pointing out I’m very good with languages. Now what can we do to help you?”  _

Phloz then explained, with a Hoshi translating for the rest of the gang, that he had not sent them out on any sort of malicious quest, but that he had wanted them to fetch Shran in order for him to help ‘sort him out’, by which he meant help offer treatment for Shran’s missing antenna. As Phloz continued his story, he lead the group towards a room off to the side, where he set about finding some ointments for the injured Andorian. 

He was not, as they had been lead to believe, a wizard, just a doctor with a seriously malfunctioning translator. While Phloz finished tending to Shran, Hoshi offered to give the machine once over. She tinkered with it while the group looked on with trepidation, and then called out for them to try talking to each other. 

“Well, I can still understand Hoshi!” ScareTrip said, shrugging. Phloz nodded too, a wide smile on his face. 

“As can I now!” Shran nodded too. 

“So can I. Good work, cat ears,” he said as Hoshi picked her way out of the tangled wires. She ran a hand over her forehead to push back her hair.

“It won’t last forever, but we’ll be able to finish this adventure without too many more italic sentences.” 

Phloz looked ecstatic anyway.

“How ever will I repay you?” He asked. Hoshi looked hopeful. 

“Well, you did say you would help us fulfil our wishes. That’s all we could ever want.” Over her shoulder, TinMal pouted. 

“Yes, but now we know you’re not a real wizard, how can you do that?” Phloz grinned, waving a hand around the room. 

“Oh but don’t you see my friends, you have what you desire already!” The group looked surprised, and the good doctor laughed. 

“Hoshi,” he said, pointing at the mess of wires behind the curtain. “You were crucial to helping fix this mess, and for getting Shran back here. And, once my translator breaks, I will need somebody to help teach languages throughout the city, so that I may understand all my people. You are incredibly important, my dear.” Hoshi smiled, with tears in her eyes. Finally, a job that was perfect for her. 

Phloz turned to ScareTrip who was propping himself up on TinMal’s shoulder. 

“Dear Scarecrow, have you not had a most wonderful story today? A journey where you met new friends, saved the day, and not once gotten seriously injured for it? Is today not a happy ending?” He asked, as a slow smile spread across ScareTrip’s face. 

“You’re right!” He cried, excitement making him tremble. He almost toppled and TinMal’s arms shot out to steady him. He landed in them and chuckled. “You must be my good luck charm Mal, I’m not gettin’ as hurt around you.” 

Phloz eyed the metal hand grasping at ScareTrip’s star filled limb, the dopey smile on the straw man’s face and the somewhat terrified look on TinMal’s. If tin could blush, he would be glowing. 

“And you, my tin friend” Phloz started but TinMal screeched. 

“Yes, yes, we get get it-” he said hurriedly, pushing ScareTrip back onto his own feet. The scarecrow looked curious. 

“Wait, no, I don’t get it,” he protested, but Phloz had already turned to Archer. The captain looked hopeful. The purple room was starting to give him a headache, and he rather wanted to return to the  _ Enterprise.  _ Phloz smiled. 

“You wish to repair your shuttlepod, do you not?” He nodded, unsure as to how a doctor would be able to help fix it, when he struggled with a UT. Phloz laughed and pointed at the clunky boots on Archer’s feet.

“Simply click your heels three times my boy, you’ll find your answer is a lot closer than you think.”

Suddenly, all eyes were on Archer’s feet. Swallowing nervously, for he felt a strange feeling of suspense wash over him, Archer lifted his heels ever so slightly. Then, one, two, three he tapped them together.

A loud click, and suddenly the heel popped off, and out slid a hyperspanner and a scanner. Archer laughed as he bent to retrieve them. 

“They were here all along!” He said as he pocketed them. Phloz nodded. “You had the power to return anytime you wanted, dear Archer.” 

* * *

With that, it was decided that the three friends Archr had made would help see him back on the journey to the shuttle pod. They left the Dilithium City, waving cheerful goodbyes to the three alien men as they went. 

Their return to the landing site was long, made longer still by Porthos’ insistence on stopping to investigate every creature they came across. Hoshi insisted on stopping to rest once the sun set, and so the team found a barn for the more human members to rest in. They lit a fire, and within minutes, Archer and Hoshi had fallen asleep, Porthos curled at his owners feet. 

TinMal had offered to stand guard outside, and was soon joined by ScareTrip, under the pretence that he was worried about his stuffing catching light. The two sat under the stars and talked for hours, for there was no real danger that night. As the sun rose, ScareTrip lifted his head from where it had fallen onto TinMal’s shoulder, and their eyes met, faces inches from each other. 

“Oh,” ScareTrip said suddenly. “I get it now.”

The two were interrupted by the sound of Archer flinging open the barn doors behind them and the two jumped meters apart. Archer smirked, and Hoshi who had followed him out, barely hid her laughter. 

Once again, Archer lead his team back out onto the yellow deck plating, and they finished their last leg of the journey just before noon. As they approached the crash site, Archer was glad that all the damage he saw would conveniently be repairable given the tools he had found stashed in the MACO’s boots. With the help of his team, the shuttlepod was up and running again in a few hours. As the last adjustment was made, the panel Archer was working on flickered to life. He sighed, finally finished with his mission. He turned to the others who stood just outside the shuttlepod and smiled sadly. 

“Are you sure I can’t convince any of you to return with me?” He asked. Hoshi smiled back, her eyes misty. 

“I would love to, but Phloz needs me. I have a job here now, a chance to pave my own way.” 

ScareTrip nodded. “Same here, Jon, I found my happy ending right here, I think I’ll stick with it,” he said, and Archer watched his hand catch the tinman’s. TinMal shuffled, but his hand stayed in the scarecrow’s grip. 

“As have I,” he said with a smile. Nodding, Archer reached out to pull all three of them into a hug, before he stepped back into the pod. He pulled the hatch down, giving the trio one last wave before taking his seat. Porthos curled between his feet as he began initiating takeoff. 

“Time to go home, Porthos,” he murmured to the beagle as the shuttle rose into the air. It as odd to be flying in such quiet, and he was about to say so aloud to break the silence, when the comm. crackled. 

“ _-tain…. captain... hear us?-_ ” He reached over and tapped the comm. 

“Trip? Is that you?” Whoever it was seemed not to have heard him, and continued talking over him.

“ _-lox...think he’s…_ ” Archer frowned as the machine gave out a shrill beep, a sound the sliced through his head. The rest of the communication was lost in the shrill ringing, and Archer’s head started to throb. He tried to reach for the comm. but the panel blurred, his vision fading. A wave of panic flooded him, before he passed out at the helm.

* * *

In what felt like no time at all, Archer found himself waking up again, this time flat on his back as voices floated above him.

“Hey Phlox, I think he’s actually wakin’ up this time!” That was Trip he thought. 

“Ah yes, the painkillers should be wearing off by now. Make sure he stays lying down please,” the doctor replied, followed by the sound of fading footsteps. Another voice, much closer this time, spoke. 

“Commander, shouldn’t you sit down, you’re barely in better shape than the captain is.” 

“You can talk Mal,” Trip replied, sighing. “Is your head still bleedin’?” Malcolm scoffed, but before he replied, Archer had blinked, and found himself the centre of attention. He stared up at the two officers above him. Trip’s face was a mess, soot covered and bruised, but a smile stretched across his face. Malcolm had a bruise blossoming on his head, and there was a trickle of blood running down his face, despite the cloth he had pressed to it. 

“Good to see you back in the land of the livin’ Cap’n,” Trip said, reaching over to squeeze Archer’s arm.

“Wha’ happened?” the captain managed to croak. Malcolm leant back, and Archer could see Phlox over his shoulder, seeing to Hoshi who looked over at him with a relieved grin. Trip grinned. 

“We hit a bit of trouble comin’ back, anomaly hit the shuttlepod and sent us all flying. How’re you feeling?” he asked and Archer groaned. 

“Like I was hit with a shuttlepod,” he grumbled. “How long was I out?” 

Malcolm glanced at the chronometer beside the bed.

“Only an hour or so, sir,” he offered. Archer smiled and Trip raised an eyebrow. Archer let out a rough sounding laugh, glancing around at the people above him. 

“Funny, it felt a lot longer than that.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I did't ruin TWoZ or Enterprise for you <3 
> 
> (also, sorry Hayes, I love you but it was necessary)


End file.
